41 years, I was married. My husband lost his battle with cancer and other diseases from side effects of agent orange in January of this year.
My husband wasn't the best of men but he loved me as best he could considering he fought the Viet Nam war over and over. By this I mean he couldn't forgive himself for the things he had to do in Viet Nam.
He told me over and over again God will never forgive me for what I've done but he never would go into detail what he had done.
It didn't matter how many times I told him that God would forgive anything. He would say you weren't there you don't know.
Now he's gone and I fear he's lost. He once had the Holy Ghost and tried to live for God.
He was baptized in Jesus Name,I'm praying that God did forgive and he suffered enough for the sins he could not forgive himself for.
Now I find myself in the midst of a strange land .
Not knowing which direction to take.
I've given up my home and moved in with family.
I told God I would give it all up to be able to live for him and to feel his spirit moving in my life again.
I gave up on my dreams when I turned from my calling.
I've lived in a dry and unforgiving land within my own life and spirit.
I want to fall in love again with my Jesus, and let him guide my footsteps in the direction he wants me to go.
My mind tells me I'm to old and crippled for God to use but my heart says it doesn't matter let God be the judge and be willing to do whatever he wills.
Giant steps that's what I'm taking.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Friday, October 23, 2009
Hurts and Hurting
How in the world do we manage to get through the days? Some days I just don't want to get out of bed. I wake up wondering what this day is going to bring.
I want so much to feel good about the way my life has gone. To feel that I've done the best that I could by everyone in my life. Have I?
I have wonderful blessings in my life, my children, my grand children, my friends, my family.
My family has been a trial to me sometimes but I love them just the same. We've drifted apart through the years but they are family just the same.
I have some wonderful friends, you wouldn't believe the links my friends have gone to. Being there when I needed them even without asking they have stepped in and helped me.
My resent event of loosing my grand daughters. I say loosing them, they didn't die, they have gone to live with their father and step mother. This is a pain that doesn't seem to heal. I think if I knew that they were happy there I could manage. But when they call and beg me to let them come home. I can't explain it, the pain is almost unbearable.
How long will this go on? Just when I think I'm going to be okay they call crying, begging me to let them come home. I'M NOT THE ONE THAT PUT THEM THERE.
Hurts and Hurting that's my days.
I want so much to feel good about the way my life has gone. To feel that I've done the best that I could by everyone in my life. Have I?
I have wonderful blessings in my life, my children, my grand children, my friends, my family.
My family has been a trial to me sometimes but I love them just the same. We've drifted apart through the years but they are family just the same.
I have some wonderful friends, you wouldn't believe the links my friends have gone to. Being there when I needed them even without asking they have stepped in and helped me.
My resent event of loosing my grand daughters. I say loosing them, they didn't die, they have gone to live with their father and step mother. This is a pain that doesn't seem to heal. I think if I knew that they were happy there I could manage. But when they call and beg me to let them come home. I can't explain it, the pain is almost unbearable.
How long will this go on? Just when I think I'm going to be okay they call crying, begging me to let them come home. I'M NOT THE ONE THAT PUT THEM THERE.
Hurts and Hurting that's my days.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Life Goes On
While I've searched all my life for something or someone to make me feel wanted or loved. I guess that I've come to realize that you make the best with what you have. It's not been a life filled with romance and at times I have felt downright unwanted. I do have some wonderful children and Grandchildren. My husband and I are use to each other and we rarely get on each others nerves. Notice I say rarely. I had a good career and enjoyed nursing. I loved the elderly and did find it rewarding. But my life has been missing something. I don't think it's what I've spent my life searching for. What do I do now? I've changed my search. I'm trying to find what I missed out on when I turned my back on my calling. I want to get closer to God and learn more of his ways and his word. I've began to think that my perception of God has been wrong. I always felt he was to be obeyed or else,but what about David.Now if anyone tried God's patience it had to be David. But God loved him and blessed him. So maybe God can be a friend and a confidant. I know that He has touched my life many times,when I felt I didn't deserve it. So,I'm attempting to learn to Look at God in a different light. One that allows me to be open and free to talk to him as I would a friend not as a parent or disciplinary being.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Change of Plans
What started as a means of doing research, has turned into something else entirely. I don't know as of yet what this will be but it's in the hands of the Lord for now. I first recieved the Holy Ghost at the age of 16. I felt the call of God on my life and felt inpressed with missionary work. But I thought I was in Love and fell for a lie. It cost me dearly. I lost my selfconfidence . I'm not so sure my pride was not my real downfall. I couldn't overcome the blow to my integrity and so I pulled away from God. I was a failure and I couldn't face myself- how was I to stand up for god, dirty and abused as I was. I turned and walked away,I would soon live a life far from the one I once thought God wanted for me. So the story begins.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Dozier Family
My goals for this is to find people interested in my family research. My hope is to find some one that may have information on lost famly members.
My Dad was Donald Dozier. His Father was James Ira Dozier and his mother was Gertie Dennis. She supposedly died when dad was a young boy maybe around five or six.
It's thought that she died somewhere in Texas. Her father was Charles Dennis or Creighton Dennis and her mother was Ida M. Kays. C. Dennis died about 1900 some where around fannin texas.
Gertie then moved with her mother to arkansas. Her mother remarried a Martin Teal.
Gertie had a sister,Allene Dennis and a Brother Creighton Walter Dennis.
Creighton was born in 1892, Gertie 1894 and allene 1898. All three were born in Texas.
The last census I have for them they were in arkansas.
Gertie (my guess is )married James ( jack) Dozier in arkansas because Donald was born in Dequeen in 1924.He was their only child I suppose, if not, daddy never knew of any siblings.
James Dozier traveled around a lot and at one time was married to a mildred Phelps. She had a daughter named Ruth. I grew up calling her aunt Ruth and daddy considered her his sister. They were very close and remained so until their deaths in 1982.
Mildred , I was told was killed by a car crossing the street. He and Ruth were both in their teens at that time. I'm not sure who took care of them then or if they were separated and raised by other relatives. I do know that at one time for a period of time daddy was raised by his aunt and uncle. I believe this was probably right after his mother died.
The Dozier family came from Tenn. to Oklahoma between 1910 and 1920. They lived in and around Hugo Oklahoma. I've lost contact with any relatives there.
My Dad was Donald Dozier. His Father was James Ira Dozier and his mother was Gertie Dennis. She supposedly died when dad was a young boy maybe around five or six.
It's thought that she died somewhere in Texas. Her father was Charles Dennis or Creighton Dennis and her mother was Ida M. Kays. C. Dennis died about 1900 some where around fannin texas.
Gertie then moved with her mother to arkansas. Her mother remarried a Martin Teal.
Gertie had a sister,Allene Dennis and a Brother Creighton Walter Dennis.
Creighton was born in 1892, Gertie 1894 and allene 1898. All three were born in Texas.
The last census I have for them they were in arkansas.
Gertie (my guess is )married James ( jack) Dozier in arkansas because Donald was born in Dequeen in 1924.He was their only child I suppose, if not, daddy never knew of any siblings.
James Dozier traveled around a lot and at one time was married to a mildred Phelps. She had a daughter named Ruth. I grew up calling her aunt Ruth and daddy considered her his sister. They were very close and remained so until their deaths in 1982.
Mildred , I was told was killed by a car crossing the street. He and Ruth were both in their teens at that time. I'm not sure who took care of them then or if they were separated and raised by other relatives. I do know that at one time for a period of time daddy was raised by his aunt and uncle. I believe this was probably right after his mother died.
The Dozier family came from Tenn. to Oklahoma between 1910 and 1920. They lived in and around Hugo Oklahoma. I've lost contact with any relatives there.
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